The Power of Experiential Learning, Especially While Healing Vaginismus

Do you genuinely believe that you can overcome vaginismus (a condition that causes pain during intercourse)?

If your answer is NO, then, why not?

By the way, when I was living with vaginismus, my answer to this question would be 100% NO!

Isn’t that interesting?

It seems as though even when we hear others’ successful penetration stories from women living with vaginismus or read hundreds of articles proving that vaginismus is treatable, then why don’t we believe the same may also be true for us, and that it might also work out for us?

Of course, listening to other people’s success stories can be inspirational, but when it comes to taking action to overcome our own vaginismus, why do you think that we convince ourselves so easily that we can’t overcome it and we stop?

The reason is, those stories are very different from what we experience personally. While healing vaginismus, learning by doing, not only by listening or watching or reading, is tremendously important, dear.

Here in this blog post, we’ll dive into why it’s important and how we can correctly learn through doing while healing vaginismus.

But before we get there, are you new here? Then you’ll have to check out these other helpful blogs that I’ve written to help you overcome your condition.

and of course, you should join our EXCLUSIVE Facebook Community “Yes We Can Heal Vaginismus Together” by clicking here!

Oh and, you can download here your FREE Vaginismus Overcoming Guide based on my personal experience and research!

Let’s start with a little start about the day I met tampons 😊.

It was back in 1999. Don’t worry, it’s a very short story 😊

We had planned a week-long holiday with my friend and believe me; we planned every single minute of it!

I knew that my period would start on our arrival day, and it did. Also, I knew that it would take one week. I guess you get the story 😊

My friend told me not to worry because she had tampons so that I could use them. I said, “OK, why not! If she can do it, why not me!”.

Then I literally tried for three full days to insert a tampon.

My friend came to check on me, but I was stuck in the room, obsessively trying it over and over again!

I remember that very clearly my friend genuinely wanted to help me and demonstrated how to insert it. We were standing half-naked in the middle of the room, and it didn’t take more than 2 minutes for her to insert it!

As you can imagine, of course, I couldn’t insert it, I even ended up thinking that I might not have had a hole down there!

And because I didn’t know what was happening, I began to learn the misinformation from my experience with ideas like;

I might not have a hole,
It is impossible for me,
I am not normal,
It is painful,
Something is wrong with me!

Even after my doctor confirmed that I had a vaginal entry 😊 and that everything was physically normal in my vulva; it was still impossible for me to believe that I could insert anything into my vagina! There was just no way!

Indeed, hearing others, learning more about the condition gave me hope, but I kept telling myself that nothing would work for me!

Any penetration attempt ended up with me experiencing pain, and not knowing how to respond to it strengthened my belief that I could never overcome it!

Deciding to wait it out was an enemy to my healing vaginismus journey because my delayed action strengthened the weight of my belief in the incorrect information collected by the mind as time went by!

Convincing ourselves that we can overcome it gets more complicated.

So, let’s look at what we get to do instead!

At the end of the day, it is all to do with a fear of pain! That’s what arises at any penetration attempt, including dilators, right?

What shall we do when we face the fear of pain?

#Step 1 Acknowledge your inner voice and soothe it compassionately

Open up some space for your fear, dear, rather than trying to pretend that it’s not there or having to battle with it.

When we experience any form of fear, our self-talk tells us that it will be painful!

It warns us.

The intention of these thoughts might be to protect us from any danger, but we know that it doesn’t serve us.

As we resist this fear, we also know that it will persist and get bigger within us.

So at that point, we get to turn our face to this fear, look right into the eyes and soothe it.

Maybe saying: “I understand that you intend to protect me but let’s see what we will experience now. “

Compassion, to be understood, seen, and heard; that’s what our fear needs in the moment!

It’s something like talking to a kid: looking into their eyes and letting them feel that you see them, from your heart!

Then your fear will no longer need to scream; it will stay for a while, and trust me; it will leave.

The intention is not to wish away this fear; instead, it is to let our fear be as it is and go.

#Step 2 Open up to someone you trust about what you honestly fear

Who is with you when your fear arises: your doctor, your partner, yourself?

Creating a space for your fear and communicating through what you are dealing with at that moment will free you from the heaviness of your struggle, dear.

We open ourselves to our experience, whatever it is, as best we can.

I have a phobia of giving blood, for instance, and each time when I enter the lab:

I start with a quick “Hi” and my actual age plus the age I feel at that moment, which is 39 and 9! 😊 I inform the nurses there what I might experience, such as the feeling of vomiting or fainting.

So let’s think of an example with dilation.

When you dilate and notice the fear of pain arises:

Pause there, acknowledge the voice in your mind and soothe it,
Open up to yourself honestly, and label your emotion as fear: “I feel fear, right now”, “I tell myself that it will be painful.”
Come back to your bodily sensations and observe how you experience your fear in your body: maybe your heart is beating fast, you hold your breath, or contract your legs, etc.,
Imagine breathing into those tight parts of your body and relax them as best they can,
Then let go of breathing into them, come back to your breath: notice how it enters and leaves your body.
Then continue to dilate, see how you experience it in reality, and rephrase your experience.

#Step 3 Acknowledge what you experienced in reality, to rephrase what you tell to yourself

This step is the most crucial part of learning by doing, dear: checking in with reality and saying it aloud.

In our dilation example, when you experience dilation without pain, acknowledging it and saying, “It was not a painful experience” is essential to relearn what we have believed in the opposite.

As we continue to rephrase our “new reality” after each experience, we start to genuinely believe in it because it comes from what we experientially learn, and not from the accounts of others. This gives us the validation that we need to build a greater sense of confidence to tackle the fear of pain in the future, as well as regulate our emotional responses to life going forward.

Then overcoming vaginismus becomes our reality, dear.

No matter where you are in your healing journey, you can and will overcome vaginismus.

It’s a matter of taking action about it and making it your own experience by doing, dear.

I know you can do it because Yes We Can Heal Vaginismus Together!

“For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.” Aristotle

If you found this article helpful, then come and join our free online community Yes We Can Heal Vaginismus Together, if you haven’t yet.

I talk more about these topics and in more detail.

Let’s meet there. Let’s grow together.

E-mail: petek@yeswecanhealtogether.com