How to Not Allow The Fear of Starting A New Relationship or Losing Our Partners Control Us While Living With Vaginismus

Fear is a very dominant feeling, especially while living with vaginismus; we all experience this, right?

When we think about it, vaginismus is mostly all about fear.

It can own us by leading our thoughts, emotional state, and behaviors.

But the good news is that we can learn how to not allow it to control our lives, dear.

So in this post, we’ll uncover how fear works and dominates our decisions and then how to not allow it to do so.

But before we get to that, are you new here? Then you’ll have to check out these other helpful blogs that I’ve written to help you overcome your condition.

and of course, you should join our EXCLUSIVE Facebook Community “Yes We Can Cure Vaginismus Together” by clicking here!

Oh and, you can download here your FREE Vaginismus Cure Guide based on my personal experience and research!

Shall we begin?

I invite you to imagine that you are single and feel attracted to someone.

You genuinely want to get intimate with them, you want to get to know them closer.

Then, that little woman in your mind starts to chat very hectically!

What if I can’t tell them I have vaginismus?
What if they don’t even understand what it means?
What if they get shocked when they hear that I haven’t had penetrative sex before?
What if they humiliate me?
What if they mistreat me?
What if they don’t want to stick around me?

What would you have an urge to do?

Would you give it a try or give up from the very beginning?

Let’s pause here for a while.

Now I invite you to think about a younger person than you; they might be your friend or family’s child.

Imagine that they are going to have a very tough examination tomorrow.

And they are pretty worried about it.

You see them and get closer; resting your hand on their back and say:

What if you can’t succeed?
What if your teacher gets disappointed about your exam result?
What if you have to repeat this year of the school?
What if you can’t even go to college?

What would happen? Imagine!

What would they have an urge to do? Would they give it a try and endure whatever difficulty that they might encounter or give up from the very beginning?

Let me tell you: you would never talk to them like that, NEVER!

Instead, you would

encourage them,
tell them that whatever the result is, you’ll continue to love her,
show them your trust to strengthen their trust in themselves!

Wouldn’t you?

Then let’s come back to ourselves! Should we treat ourselves this way? Of course NOT!😊

When you find yourself thinking about getting more intimate with your partner/someone,

Would you encourage yourself to spend more time with them?
Would you be open to anything that you’ll experience with them?
Would you be curious about where this journey will take you both?

Or instead, would you get caught by the ruminating thoughts such as:

what if they don’t want to hang out with me!
what if they treat me disrespectfully when I tell them I haven’t had PIV sex before!?
what if they laugh at me and humiliate me!

We are not talking to ourselves in the way that we would talk to our loved ones, right?

But why?

Why are we not as compassionate and supportive to ourselves as we are towards our loved ones?

Because dear, this is our habit! This is what we are used to doing! This is what we have repeated over and over again.

And above all else, this all leads to an emotion called, you guessed it, fear!

When we dig more, fear is one of the most primal but yet challenging human emotions. We have lots of fear in our lives, which is so NORMAL and it also has lots of benefits to protect us but also the considerable potential to mislead!

Here is the good news: if it’s a habit, then we can TRANSFORM it!

Let’s talk about how we can do it!

If you are not new here, I bet you already know what I’ll say right now 😊

To transform any habit for the better, we need to acknowledge it first, which is not enough for the whole process but definitely essential!

I want to share with you four critical notes, which will help us not to allow the fear of starting a relationship or losing our partners to control us while living with vaginismus.

#1. We need to be aware of our triggers which sparks fear in us

We are not living in constant fear, dear. So, for sure, there is an incident that triggers us. Whenever we feel unease within ourselves, just labeling our emotions and noticing the trigger incident without any commentary is crucial: Asking ourselves what happened exactly, without any interpretation!

This incident can be something like:

meeting someone you are attracted to,
celebrating an anniversary with your partner,
talking about having a kid with your partner.

Becoming aware of any incident that triggers worry and fear in you is crucial.

#2. We need to watch our mouth and mind first to be able to transform what doesn’t serve us

We want to be very curious, and intentional on what and how we are talking to ourselves in our minds, especially during very challenging or discouraging moments, which means we’ve got to watch our mouth and mind!

We might find ourselves saying things like:

What if I tell them that I haven’t had intercourse before and they don’t want to hang out with me anymore, what if they laugh at me?
What if they want to get intimate on our anniversary, and I can’t succeed penetrative sex again?
What if I can never have a baby?

These worrying thoughts have a huge potential to lead us into feeling disappointment, shame, and embarrassment which most likely, forces us to be very critical of ourselves and get lost in the associated scenarios in our minds as we do most of the time.

It can make us feel very low, depressed, and inevitably unable to focus on anything at all!

So watching our mouth and mind non-judgmentally is something we need to learn to do, dear, while it’s simple it’s not easy to do 😊

That’s why we practice mindfulness.

#3. We’ve got to tweak the questions in our mind a little bit to focus back on ourselves again

We have seen the trigger incident clearly and have become aware of our thoughts.

We could even manage being non-judgmental towards ourselves while noticing what’s happening in our minds!

Now what?

Well, dear, we investigate to see if we can tweak those hurtful questions a little bit.

Something like this:

What if he laughs at me and treats me disrespectfully?

Where am I in this scenario actively? Am I going to allow him to do this? Will I remove myself from them or talk openly?

What if he wants to get intimate?

Where am I in this scenario actively? Can I communicate with him openly about my worry on this?, do we both understand we’ll not try PIV but all the other sexy stuff!

What if I can never have a baby?

How can I help myself with vaginismus? Where am I in this scenario actively?

What actions have I taken and which of them didn’t work out? What more can I do about it?

Each question brings a sense of being a decision-maker, dear!

#4. We’ve got to remind ourselves of our unique power to get back to being there actively for ourselves

We have a vast capacity and power within us, dear!

We just need to remember it as we practice this so that we can own it!

Putting ourselves in a position of being the decision-maker or taking an active role for anything that impacts our lives will remind us of our inner power, dear!

We don’t have to believe in our inner power, YET, but WE WILL, as we practice mindfulness!

As long as WE TREAT OURSELVES the way we deserve, then we’ll only allow people who treat us the same way!

Won’t we?

”Real strength can be found not in power, money, or weapons, but in deep, inner peace. When we have enough insight, we are not caught by many difficult situations anymore.” Thich Nhat Hanh

You can download my free vaginismus cure guide from here if you haven’t yet.

If you found this article helpful, then come and join our free online community Yes We Can Cure Vaginismus Together, if you haven’t yet.

I talk more about these topics and in more detail.

Let’s meet there. Let’s grow together.

E-mail: petek@yeswecancure.com