Hey dear, let’s be honest here: We tend to think that vaginismus is one of the most challenging conditions that we’ve ever faced and we feel stuck!

I totally get that because I felt stuck too when I had vaginismus. But I got cured of it and I want to cover in this post how we can deal with our fears by using them as an anchor for our vaginismus healing journey. 

Look, if you don’t have this condition, I get that it’s difficult to understand from outside. But please keep in mind that it’s difficult for us to hear: 

• “relax your body, just relax”, 
• “it’s just in your mind”
• “Just focus on pleasure”
• “once you find someone you love, this is not gonna be an issue anymore”

Let me assure you that it doesn’t work like that 😊 And it isn’t helpful for us to hear such things!

I’ll talk about what is helpful in a minute!

First, let me clarify this:

WE WANT TO

• have intimacy!
• relax our muscles during penetration!
• be able to have a family, even give birth one day!
• be in a physical and emotional relationship! 

But we feel fear for all, and any attempt to follow these can actually be triggering especially for people like us with vaginismus because we are constantly haunted by the question of “What if?”

Our minds tend to fixate on the growing fear-worry loop:

WHAT IF

• that intimacy ends up with disappointment!
• my muscles don’t listen to me!
• I encounter excruciating pain!

Then it turns to:

WHAT IF I CAN’T

• overcome vaginismus!
• keep my partner!
• have a partner ever!

Which associates with the beliefs of “I can’t overcome it!” or “I won’t be able to keep my partner!” or “I can’t have a relationship”.

Then we end up with the feeling of defeat, disappointment or failure or all.

So a very simple trigger; maybe a penetration attempt or an intimacy attempt ends up with getting lost in those worries and beliefs eventually leading to depression.

Can you relate to that?

That was the loop that I experienced over and over again when I was living with vaginismus.

And that loop was my pattern. 

What do I mean when I say that this loop was my pattern?

OK, let me give an example from my daily life while struggling with vaginismus.

I don’t know whether you follow the foreign policy of other countries or not but recently I was saddened because of my country’s current foreign policies.

• That sadness led to my worrying that my country would be involved in a war
• Which led to “what if I can’t leave here”,
• Then, “what if I can not meet with my partner who lives in Thailand?”
• And of course, the scenario grew into a bigger worry because my thoughts led me to stress over whether or not my partner would catch the Corona Virus and that we would never be able to see each other again because of the situation here and in Thailand.

I cannot express enough how that loop made me feel down. 

When we look at that scenario, nothing that I worried about has happened yet! 

It all started with a simple fear that we could call a trigger that led us to feel sad. But most of my fear happened in my mind, and not in reality!

As a consequence, I didn’t have any energy to do anything at work.

I was very sensitive and fragile! And it didn’t make any good for anything’s or anyone’s sake!

I’m gonna tell you what helped me to get through this loop but first let’s talk about why we get caught in these loops

Why do we get trapped into those loops?

Because we are used to them! We have been repeating these patterns over and over again, so we have wired our brains in that way.

Have you heard about neuroplasticity? Cause that’s why we get trapped into those loops.

Let’s look closer!

What is the relation between those loops and neuroplasticity?

According to research: “Neuroplasticity can be defined as the brain’s ability to change, remodel and reorganize for the purpose of better ability to adapt to new situations. Neuroplasticity leads to many different occurrences, such as habituation, sensitization  to a certain position, medication tolerance, even recovery following brain injury.“

Or simply Neuropsychologist Donald Hebb first used this phrase: “Neurons fire together, wire together”

Or as the Buddha says around 2600 years ago: “Whatever you frequently think and ponder upon, that will become the inclination of your mind.”

So according to these perspectives, repeated behaviors become a habit in the mind. That’s why whenever I feel sad, my mind starts to create stories that intensify my worry.

And these habits all originate from my struggle with vaginismus.

How am I gonna breakthrough that loop then?

Such an important question!

What helped me to get back to my center was to realize my pattern was rising at the moment and to talk about that with someone that I have a connection with. After a while, it simply faded away!

From my experience, there are 3 ways to break through that loop.

Breaking through loop #1: Being mindful

Being mindful is the key here. The more we practice mindfulness, the more the impact of our old thought patterns that are driven by the fear will lessen.

Breaking through loop #2: Surrounding yourself with people who care about you

We are born to live in a tribe. This is coded on our DNA! So surrounding yourself with people that you care about, can listen to and empathize with mindfully. This is one of the most important components of breaking through that loop.

To put it simply, by sharing your awareness o your thought patterns with people you trust can be just as helpful for you as understanding the experience itself on a deeper level.

Breaking through loop #3: Acknowledge and Praise

Lastly, acknowledge the whole process: what triggered you, what made you feel less impacted as went by? Don’t hesitate to tell yourself and the people who support you that you are grateful during your progress. 

Whenever you recognize inner fear,  then you have the opportunity to break through the loop of associated beliefs! This is how we rewire our brains and learn to respond to our habits in a different way.

To respond in a different way might sound simple but definitely not easy!

What makes it easier is that practicing mindfulness.

So that whenever we encounter with fear, we can use our skill to observe the fear and associated worries at the very moment as best we can. 

Then, we can share what we become aware of, with our beloved ones. 

And lastly, we can express how we are grateful to be listened to and heard.

These 3 ways are my dear reader, going to contribute to our vaginismus healing journey enormously!

So again, what would you like to think and ponder upon to reinforce new qualities in your unique life?

“Fear is a hallmark of your progress on the path. Just as you are about to give birth to further confidence, that breakthrough is preceded by a sense of utter fear. When this occurs in your life, you should examine the nature of fear. This is not based on asking logical questions about fear: “Why am I afraid?” It is simply looking at the state of fear or panic that is taking place in you. Just look at it.” Chögyam Trungpa

 

 

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E-mail: petek@yeswecancure.com