Look, I totally hear you. It’s so difficult to enjoy your womanhood, to be peaceful with yourself when something on your body is reminding you, especially whenever you attempt to penetrate that “you’re a failure”, “you’re not complete”, “you are not whole”, “you’re not a complete woman, yet!” then following feeling were coming like desperateness, hopelessness, shame, embarrassment etc.
This is a growing cycle as long as you are not aware of this connection, then being driven by the pattern of those thoughts is inevitable.
The wire of that connection between our womanhood and those thoughts that fired in the brain for years and strengthening at each trigger is so damn powerful and not letting them to take over whole of our body is almost impossible!
I remember the time that I was living with vaginismus more than 10 years, those patterns were accompanying me at each confrontation with any difficulties at work or any discussion with my partner or a friend or parent, so they became my identity.
So in that case, how could I enjoy not just my womanhood, my whole self actually?
So what to do to break this cycle of feeling desperate, hopeless, shamed, embarrassed after each attempt of penetration?
So what we do to break this growing cycle is that we simply becoming aware of those thoughts when they arise. I say simply, as it is simple; yes indeed, it is simple but definitely NOT EASY!
Also if possible, we practice to notice the emotion itself coming by those thoughts.
And without analysing them as asking why, how, who, when, we are practicing coming back to the sensations in the body. So we deliberately changing the focus back to the moment instead getting driven by those stream of thoughts and emotions coming by.
That practice is called MINDFULNESS MEDITATION.
So we teach ourselves to give an alternative respond to those thoughts as simply bringing our attention back to the body, back to the sensations in the very present moment.
So we cultivate a skill here; we learn an attitude as practicing that alternative response over and over again, which becomes our habitualized behaviour after all. Due to staying with those thoughts and observing them is getting easier as we practice, therefore loosening the power on us.
So instead of getting lost in our thoughts, and letting them to beat us, lowering our life energy, getting lost of hating our womanhood, our bodies, we deliberately change the focus to the reality, to the moment.
Then fortunately EVOLUTION starts and WE CHANGE THAT CYCLE!
Vaginismus is not a physical problem, it’s all about the mind and how it takes over the control of the body!
It’s common to think about vaginismus is a problem at the vagina. Then a kind of a battle might start between “the vagina” and “us.”
Therefore it’s so difficult to talk about unity, wholeness, right?
So much blame, shame, hate through our vaginas to the World outside! What a heavy burden on us!
Frankly, it’s all about the mind. The brain is so powerful organ, can take control according to our believe systems, our conditioning, our fears, frustrations.
All we need is to take an ACTION to look at them, to explore them; not just in the mind, in the body also, rather than to avoid them.
Using mindfulness based treatment will help us staying with the discomfort at the moment of any sex or penetration attempt.
Due to practices of observing, coming back to the bodily sensations and softening over and over again, instead of pushing our partners away or running away from the situation itself as fast as possible, we simply learn to pause and coming back to the thought or emotion like fear of pain for instance and exploring in the body wherever we feel the most, then practicing to soften.
So in that way, we learn to stay in discomfort, learn to accept it and move on without allowing it to TAKE THE CONTROL OVER US.