Today we’re going to talk about how to heal vaginismus even when we are single. It is the approach I took, and I got healed without anyone around to have sex with. 😊

So, who am I?

Ok, let me give you some insight into who I am. My name is Petek and right now I guide women with vaginismus to overcome their condition through sharing my signature program. You can see more details here. 

Women struggling with vaginismus are close to my heart, and I feel their stories in my soul, because, for over 10 years, I was in the same position. 😊   

In this post, I will tell you how I overcame vaginismus even though I was single at the time. But before we get to that, let’s have a quick look at what the diagnosis, causes, and treatments of vaginismus are:

#1 What is the diagnosis of vaginismus?

If you are not sure yet whether or not you have vaginismus, then you might take the quiz here. If you answer “yes” to any of the questions there, then yes, you might have vaginismus. No worries, it’s curable!

But briefly: if any penetration attempt like inserting your finger into your vagina or a tampon or any sexual activity is almost impossible or very painful for you, then you might have vaginismus. It is one of the sexual dysfunctions which is defined as “Genito-Pelvic Pain Disorder/ Penetration Disorder”  in the latest edition of DSM V (DSM-5 is the fifth edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s (APA) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder). 

Here you can find it more detailed. 

You may have also heard of the term; “dyspareunia” which also deals with painful intercourse, but the reasons for vaginismus and dyspareunia differ despite how similar the experiences of those who suffer from these two conditions appear to be. You can check it out more in detail here.

#2 What are the causes of vaginismus?

Good question 😊

We can’t give one crystal clear reason for the causes, there might be many aspects influencing your condition whether or not you know it.

It might be from growing up in a strict and religious family or society which rooted labels in you like sex is something “not pure”, “dirty”or “filthy”. 

Maybe you were traumatized by those insane first-night sex stories which scared the hell out of you! 

Maybe sex or masturbation is somehow associated with shame or guilt in your mind.

Or you had sex before marriage with another man and married to another one. You might be dying from the idea of your husband knowing that he is not the first man in your life. Even that fear can be your cause to have vaginismus. 

And of course, if you have experienced any sort of sexual abuse, the impact of that encounter may cause you to struggle with vaginismus.

#3 What are the treatments?

If you are curious about this, you are definitely in the right place dear! 

Let’s take a moment to actually applaud yourself for having the courage to even read something like this. I know what it feels like to be where you are now, so well done for making it so far!

There are many different methods to heal vaginismus. And experts say that it’s curable. Check out this link for more resources and a detailed breakdown of treatments for vaginismus. 

What was the biggest challenge of my vaginismus journey?

While I was struggling with vaginismus, the most difficult part of that journey was to find the motivation in me to take action on healing it. Basically, I did nothing for many years: I didn’t read anything about causes, diagnosis, or treatments. 

Because of that I can’t tell you enough how awesome it is that you’ve dared to read a blog about this, it’s a huge step! 

Then, what motivated me to heal this condition?

Turning 30 was my thing. Think about it,  what is yours?

I was not sexually active, I was single. And I just realized that I don’t want to carry that burden anymore. 

• I sat in front of my computer, 
• googled “vaginismus” 
• read everything I could on the topic for the first time in my life.

I set an appointment with a vaginismus clinic with ZERO HESITATION.

It was amazing to see how our minds could become motivation machines even at the early ‘beginners mind’ stage of learning!

What is this beginner’s mind thing?

Beginner’s mind is a word from Zen Buddhism. It refers to “having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions when studying a subject”, even when studying at an advanced level. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shoshin).

This means that you can implement a fresh, clear, and new approach towards learning if you adopt the “beginner’s mind” when learning new information. This quality is actually something that we learn as we practice mindfulness meditation: to unlearn old things and relearn them. 

Let’s get back on track!

When I arrived at the ob-gyn, I met a very kind, compassionate, and supportive doctor. Within 3 days, we solved my vaginismus physically, by using dilators. It isn’t always just 3 days, of course, everybody’s pace is different,  which is totally normal and totally natural.

Although we did a great job, it was not enough. I needed to work on myself more until my first intercourse sex experience. Cause curing vaginismus is not just about dilating. It’s also about; 

• accepting yourself as you are, 
• cultivating love and kindness for yourself,
• observing yourself deeper without judgment or criticism. 

For that reason finding a cure is about learning to look at things rooted deeper within you and allowing them to pass while seeing the manifestation of those raising thoughts and emotions in your body. 

Finally, it happened! One day, a man I had known for a couple of weeks and felt deeply connected to, shared with me one of the most meaningful paradigm shifts I have ever had. First sexual intercourse but it was not about sex at all. It was all about removing the whole burden on my shoulders. It was total freedom!

Because the journey of getting to know myself better prepared me for the inevitability that I was ready! Knowing this softened my mind and my body with the help of mindfulness practices.

What moment did I realize I was “Ready” ?

I knew I was ready the moment I knew I could trust in myself. It became as clear and natural to reach this level when I recognized that whatever arises in my mind. If we can recognize it on time, here is what happens:

• they knock on the door, 
• you open the door, 
• they come in, 
• you welcome them,
• and they leave. 

This is the permanent equation of impermanence. 

They’ll leave cause whatever rises in your mind is recognized by you.

Imagine you are in a group of people: nobody talks to you, people ignore you. You would get lost in being unseen, right?  The same goes for our emotions and thoughts. They want to be seen, they are there, and it is our job to recognize them! It just means being aware enough to notice they are there. 

They will just arise, stay for a while and leave. And the more you practice mindfulness, the quicker they will leave.

Then our minds are freed from whatever is holding us, limiting us. 

When you start practicing and showing your body that it can insert dilators, then your mind will feel more confident, and you will feel ready sooner or later! For sure!

Quote:

“Wisdom is the clear seeing of the impermanent, conditioned nature of all phenomena, knowing that whatever arises has the nature to cease. When we see this impermanence deeply, we no longer cling; and when we no longer cling, we come to the end of suffering.” Joseph Goldstein

If you found this article helpful, then join our free online community for people like us. I will talk more about these topics and in more detail. 

Come on! Join us from here.

If you want to get to know more about the cure itself, then you can download my free overcoming guide from here.

E-mail: petek@yeswecanhealtogether.com