Expectations Tremendously Impact Our Vaginismus Healing Progress

How do you treat yourself when things do not go in the way you expected them to, especially while living with or healing vaginismus?

Do you end up feeling: disappointed, discouraged, or guilty?

If your answer is YES to any of these, then this blog post is for you, dear!

In this post, we’ll tackle the impact of our expectations on our vaginismus healing progress and how to transform them into something healthier.

But before we get there, are you new here? Then you’ll have to check out these other helpful blogs that I’ve written to help you overcome your condition.

and of course, you should join our EXCLUSIVE Facebook Community “Yes We Can Heal Vaginismus Together” by clicking here!

Oh and, you can download here your FREE Vaginismus Overcoming Guide based on my personal experience and research!

Let’s be honest, we set goals and put expectations on ourselves with whatever we want to achieve, but as you know, this is especially true while healing or living with vaginismus.

But here’s the thing, when all we want is this one thing to happen so badly, we tend to put a lot of meaning on it, which creates so much tension and pressure on us until we become so overwhelmed and then give up.

It has the power to define something within us!

And so when this “one crucial thing” doesn’t happen the way we want, inevitably, we end up feeling like a failure, hopeless, and even worthless. Despite the fact that WE were the ones who related this “one crucial thing” happening to measure our worth and success, not anyone else.

Don’t get me wrong; wanting to achieve different things is definitely not bad, but

the relationship we have with them,
the meanings we put on them,
and also how we react to them when they do not go the way we want

is really what MATTERS!

Think about vaginismus.

What does it mean for you?

How does it define you?

Let me answer this because I’ve been there as well, dear, for over ten years.

To me, it defined my personality. Vaginismus felt like a total failure for me, and therefore, so was I!

I carried shame, embarrassment, not being whole, not being a complete woman as part of who I was.

I even had difficulty calling myself a woman!

Look at the labels that I had given my vaginismus!

All of them were not about vaginismus itself; just look at the facts, it’s a CONDITION and it is amazing that it can be treatable, and even though it may be difficult to live with this condition, these labels did not define what vaginismus truly meant. These labels were about me and my relationship with vaginismus!

That’s why it was hard for me to move forward with my healing journey even after

attempting to have sex,
witnessing my friends’ talk about sex,
seeing pregnant women or a woman flirting with their man.

These incidents triggered me in a way that made me feel depressed, low, and hopeless, rather than motivated to overcome my condition!

I became the idea of vaginismus, rather than the reality of living with it and then overcoming it. That was the reason why it took more than ten years for me to overcome it!

It took a long time for me to separate myself from vaginismus!

How do we separate ourselves from vaginismus so that we can progress in healing?

Here are the three essential keynotes that I want to share with you!

Keynote #1 Focus on the experience rather than the expectation of healing vaginismus

Like we talked about above, we put meaning into our actions, dear.

So, I want to invite you to try these three steps before taking any action towards healing (Let’s imagine you do this before dilation):

Set your goal. (For example: “My goal is to insert it up to here, TODAY”)

Make sure to set a goal that stretches your comfort zone a little bit, but not too much! It works like a beautiful, supportive push for you to move forward at a fair and achievable pace!)

Say it aloud or silently and visualize it. (Close your eyes and imagine how easily you insert the dilator till there. Imagine it, own it!)
Then add this phrase: “I have set this goal but let’s see how I will experience it TODAY!”

Feel free to use your own words that resonate with you the most, but do this as a ritual before each step you take. Then you’ll see how focusing on your experience instead of your result will get easier!

Keynote #2 Treat yourself like a child whenever you face any difficulties while healing vaginismus

By adding words like “today” or “right now” to the phrases we say to ourselves, we acknowledge that this experience is temporary, which means that it can be different from the one we had yesterday, as well as the one coming up tomorrow.

Whenever you face difficulties that did not occur in your previous attempt, then ask yourself what circumstances helped you before or what helped you relax your mind and body then, so you can do something similar right now.

Being as friendly as you can with yourself rather than competing in a race is the key here!

Treat yourself as kindly and gently as you would when your best friend struggles with something. Treat yourself like a child who fundamentally needs compassion, love, and acceptance.

Whenever you notice that your feelings are not serving you after an attempt to succeed at something, then pause there and acknowledge your expectations of yourself and maybe remember how you would approach a child in the same situation.

What would be the tone of your voice?
What would be your words?
What would be your intention?

Maybe even imagine that you are a younger version of yourself at that moment, and bend, come closer, give a hug to this little girl in you!

Keynote #3 Celebrate your wins fully, no matter how small they are, while healing vaginismus

We can always find something to celebrate, especially while trying to heal vaginismus!

Every step you dare to take, no matter what the result is, is worth celebrating!

Your will to try; trying to do it anyway is worth celebrating!

Setting a goal, being as friendly as possible, being mindful of what you experience at that moment is worth celebrating, dear!

So celebrate yourself! You deserve it!

Even reading this post, looking for support, trying to help you be consistent on your vaginismus healing journey is worth celebrating!

So, what are you going to celebrate, and what are your goals for today, dear?

“We just need to be kinder to ourselves. If we treated ourselves the way we treated our best friend, can you imagine how much better off we would be?” – Meghan Markle

If you found this article helpful, then come and join our free online community Yes We Can Heal Vaginismus Together if you haven’t yet.

I talk more about these topics and in more detail.

Let’s meet there. Let’s grow together.

E-mail: petek@yeswecanhealtogether.com

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