What To Do When We Can't Dilate with the One We Dilated with Before While Healing Vaginismus?

Do you also feel frustrated when you can’t even insert the same dilator’s tip while you were dilating with it easily before?

Does dilation feel like a back-and-forth effort that’s going nowhere most of the time?

Or have you experienced the feeling that once you could dilate with the largest size and thought you overcame vaginismus, but then after a while, when you tried it again, you couldn’t insert even the tip of it?

If your answer is YES to at least one of these questions, then this blog is for you!

But first, don’t worry, dear, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Dilation is one of the most common methods to heal vaginismus, but here is the thing, we get to remember that no healing process is linear; there are ALWAYS ups and downs, my lovely friend.

So, if you experience dilation a bit more complicated than it was before, even when the size is the same as it was, it’s OK and NORMAL to still feel as though you are struggling.

But let’s tackle how to deal with this in this blog post, where we will go over what to do when we experience that kind of difficulty.

But before we get there, are you new here? Then you’ll have to check out these other helpful blogs that I’ve written to help you overcome your condition.

and of course, you should join our EXCLUSIVE Facebook Community “Yes We Can Heal Vaginismus Together” by clicking here!

Oh and, you can download here your FREE Vaginismus Overcoming Guide based on my personal experience and research!

Shall we continue?

I want to begin with two crucial golden rules to remember when healing vaginismus through dilation:

Golden Rule#1 Dilate consistently to heal vaginismus

Dilation is like going to a gym, dear. Of course, what we do in the gym is completely different from what we do through dilation, but it’s the sense of discipline that is the same.

Let’s say that we want to build our muscles.

We all know that we can’t hit that goal if we only work out once a month or once a week.

We get to our goal when we do those workouts consistently so that our bodies can learn this new path of growth. To do this, we get to exercise with discipline, dear.

Now trust me, when we connect with our WHY, being disciplined and not allowing low motivation to take over control of us gets easier.

You can learn more about unlocking your ‘why’ from my recent blog post “How to Feel Inspired When We Lose Motivation. “

Our bodies need repetition to LEARN.

When we used to be babies or toddlers, consistent repetition while learning to stand up, eat, poop, walk, talk, was what enabled us to achieve these goals remember?

We are designed and created to learn through doing consistently, dear.

Our bodies can’t learn to relax during insertion or associate the idea of inserting anything in our vagina without pain if we don’t teach them with consistent repetition.

And, of course, in order to keep up our motivation, we get to practice teaching ourselves with compassion in order to make the process more sustainable.

Golden Rule #2 Be confident before quitting dilation

When we get to the point where we can dilate with the largest size in the dilation kit, if we still need to pause and relax during insertion, during our in and out movements, and even in the removal process, we are still not ready to stop dilating and transitioning to full PIV, dear. (PIV is penis in vagina or penetration in the vagina)

We should get to the point where we feel confident that there is no need to pause when we dilate, which means there is no pain during dilation. What we experience while dilating can be discomfort, it should not be a pain.

Remember that pain is most likely a stinging or burning sensation, but discomfort is different from that. You can think of discomfort like putting a whole orange in your mouth.

What you experience there wouldn’t be a pain but rather a discomfort, something that feels unusual and maybe even unnecessary 😊. The key is, that you get to experience putting your dilator in fully, and can feel sure that you know that you can do it before quitting.

These are the golden rules to keep in mind during dilation, my lovely friend.

So, let’s talk more about what to do when we can’t dilate with the same dilator again, even though we were able to dilate with it before.

When we are able to diagnose what happened first, then we can heal or transform this experience for the better!

Here is my question: What happened differently between your two dilating experiences?

What we do here is learn to understand ourselves genuinely in order to help deal with our struggle.

That’s why we ask strong questions, not to feel guilty or place blame, instead, to support and care.

So, let’s do a bit of brainstorming:

#1 Did you consider your dilation as consistent?

Remember what we mentioned before about the importance of constant repetition, dear. If we were not consistent then here we go: this might be the reason for our struggle. Consistency will help you build confidence in the knowledge of your ability, and the muscle/bodily memory you will need to accomplish PIV.

#2 Did you have any emotional ups or downs between these two dilations?

Whatever we experience throughout the day manifests in our bodies in some form, dear.

During joy, anger, frustration, happiness, fulfillment, sadness, hopelessness, our body responds to every single emotion we have been through. Either we hold our breath, breathe heavily, tense our belly, lift our shoulders, contract our genital area, and/or tense our legs, etc., either way, we respond to emotions through our bodies no matter what.

If you had a difficult day, your body most probably feels a bit tighter, tenser than it did on an easier dilation day. And our vagina is not disassociated from our whole body dear.

So, when some parts of your body get tense, then your vaginal muscles will get tense as well. They are not separate; even though we might feel disconnected from our genital area, our body doesn’t work separately.

Even if we might not feel whole, our body works as a whole! Being mindful of this, learning to check in with the different parts of our body will help prepare ourselves to dilate again successfully.

#3 Did you feel tired and overwhelmed during this dilation gap?

Our body is like a dancer dancing along to music, dear. It dances with our thoughts and emotions harmoniously.

It can’t feel relaxed when we had an exhausting, tiring day. It’s the law of nature, dear: there is an interconnectedness!

We can’t think of our physical state as being disconnected from our emotions, thoughts, and vice versa.

We are such beautiful creatures that everything works in harmony, not always in peace, though, but always in harmony! 🙂

So if you had an overwhelming day with a constant rush or lack of sleep and feel exhausted, or struggling with other conditions on top of vaginismus, then it might impact your dilation as well, dear.

After diagnosing what happened differently between these two dilation experiences, then we are ready to go to focus on what to do next.

Now ask yourself: if this is the reason, how can I help myself dilate differently next time?

When we intend to help ourselves genuinely, then what we practice is self-compassion!

And when we are compassionate towards ourselves, then answering what not to do or what to do next time will not be that difficult, dear.

The answer is always within you! So, what do you need to do next time, dear?

“When it’s all over, you’ll realize that the answer is already within you.” Andrew X. Pham

If you found this article helpful, then come and join our free online community Yes We Can Heal Vaginismus Together if you haven’t yet.

I talk more about these topics and in more detail.

Let’s meet there. Let’s grow together.

E-mail: petek@yeswecanhealtogether.com

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