Understanding the intention behind any activity, especially those taken while healing vaginismus, matters, dear.
Think about a year-old toddler trying to stand up and walk. She tries repeatedly, and sometimes she stands up, but most of the time, she falls.
How would you feel about her experience at that moment?
Would you be open, kind, and gentle to her? Or, would you be irritated and feel angry towards her for not learning to stand up AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
Surely you would embrace her, hug her and soothe her whenever she cried after her fall, wouldn’t you?
So, what about your own body?
When she is learning new things, she is trying her best, isn’t it natural that she would feel fear and tense up? How do you usually respond to your body’s experience of new things?
Would you be kind, understanding, and loving towards her, or would you be disappointed, or discouraged?
Would you accept your experience, focus on how you can help make the next time easier, or feel sick of yourself and give up?
Which one?
It’s hard to say: “Oh, yes, definitely the first one!” right? Because we know how hard on ourselves we can be.
That’s why we are going to tackle intentions today. Through focusing on our intentions and how to overcome the unhealthy intentions we have in our vaginismus healing journey, we can set healthy ones which serve our healing journey better.
But before we get there, are you new here? Then you’ll have to check out these other helpful blogs that I’ve written to help you overcome your condition.
- Do You Think You Are Not Interested In Sex While Living With Vaginismus?
- Nothing is permanent in life; not even our vaginismus!
- Why Is It Important to Do Something to Heal Vaginismus Now?
and of course, you should join our EXCLUSIVE Facebook Community “Yes We Can Heal Vaginismus Together” by clicking here!
Oh and, you can download here your FREE Vaginismus Overcoming Guide based on my personal experience and research!
Our body feels our intention and either responds with tension or relaxation.
Let’s think of an example: let’s say you are dilating.
But your vagina can’t allow the dilator into the same spot as yesterday.
What would you think?
How would you feel?
Then what would happen? What would you feel the urge to do?
With moments like these checking in with our intention before starting dilation is essential, dear.
Let’s look at the potential intentions we might have when we face difficulties while healing vaginismus.
In Buddhism, these negative intentions are referred to as the five hindrances as described by Fronsdal in “The Five Hindrances: Introduction” published in 2008.
These five hindrances that hinder the progress of our daily lives and also in our vaginismus journey are:
- “Sensory desire: the particular type of wanting that seeks for happiness through the five senses of sight, sound, smell, taste and physical feeling.
- Ill-will: all kinds of thought related to wanting to reject; feelings of hostility, resentment, hatred and bitterness.
- Sloth-and-torpor: heaviness of body and dullness of mind which drag one down into disabling inertia and thick depression.
- Restlessness-and-worry: the inability to calm the mind.
- Doubt: lack of conviction or trust.”
Let’s think of an example for each of them:
- Sensory desire: wanting to have the same physical experience of the previous dilation.
- Ill-will: having an intention of getting rid of vaginismus, hating vaginismus
- Sloth-and-torpor: feeling low and heavy, not motivated for dilation.
- Restlessness-and-worry: inability to come back to the present sensations whatever they are: burning, stinging sensations, or feeling discomfort, but instead, getting lost in your frustration and fear.
- Doubt: Thinking that it will not work for you, you’ll never overcome it, or distrusting your healing method.
Are they familiar to you?
Do you also struggle with these obstacles when you feel discouraged during your healing vaginismus journey?
So, how do we overcome these unhealthy intentions while healing vaginismus?
Let me share with you three steps to set the right intentions for progress:
#1 Acknowledge your intentions with respect before actively working to heal your vaginismus
Respect is such an essential element of this step. By this, I mean, respecting the presence of your will without trying to change or get rid of it.
When we see things as an observer, we no longer identify ourselves with them so we don’t get caught up by the emotions accompanying them.
It reminds me of a story in a book by Pema Chödrön called When Things Fall Apart.
In the story, she talks about her younger, 10-year-old self. She tells her friend that she has the same nightmares every night. She was being chased by monsters!
Her friend was curious and asked what they looked like.
The main character went silent for a while and then said, “I don’t know, I’ve never looked at them!”
Then that night, she again has the same dream. The monsters arrive and try to get close to her, but just before she runs away from them as she used to do before, she intentionally decides to turn and look right into their eyes!
Then her fear turned into curiosity.
She looks at them carefully and realizes that each one had a different appearance: one with three eyes, the other one with a huge hand, and one which was way too big. She noticed a lot more details about them!
And so, her relationship with the monsters transformed into something healthier, even though the monsters accompanied her for a while!
This story tells me how powerful it is to see things as they are: looking at them respectfully and with curiosity.
#2 Remember that nothing in life is permanent, not even your intentions while healing vaginismus
Reminding ourselves that our unhealthy intentions towards any activity to heal vaginismus will fade away is one of the forms of self-love. : they are not permanent. You can read a bit more about impermanence and its relation with healing vaginismus in this blog, dear: “Nothing is Permanent in Life; Not Even Our Vaginismus.”
Here’s the thing: Our moods impact our unhealthy behaviors tremendously.
Not only do we need to remind ourselves of this reality we also need to understand ourselves more. Perhaps:
- Asking what the trigger was which led us to have this obstacle,
- Or checking what our need was before the trigger took place?
Did we need:
- self-care?
- to be sure of what we do to heal vaginismus?
- to feel the connection and trust?
- to get support to heal vaginismus?
- to feel that we are not alone in this journey?
- to feel what we’ve been through is NORMAL!
When you ask any of these questions, your intentions automatically try to listen more to your experience, which is DEFINITELY healthier for you!
#3 Remember that you also need to be cared for and loved by yourself, especially while healing vaginismus
We used to be kids, dear!
We needed care, love, acceptance!
And we still do!
These are our fundamental needs besides food, water, and shelter.
We’ve grown up, but these fundamental needs have never changed.
The only thing that has changed is that we get to provide for these attitudes to ourselves, which might not be easy.
That’s why we practice Loving & Kindness with other mindfulness practices.
We get to remember to love ourselves, be willing well for ourselves, and be gentle and kind.
It takes time and effort, but it’s worth it!
On this path, what we learn helps us enormously, not only in being able to focus on our healing without being controlled by our fears or disappointments but also in caring for our well-being for the rest of our lives.
So what do you think, dear?
Are you going to give this time and effort to yourself?
“The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience.
And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience. “ Mark Manson
If you found this article helpful, then come and join our free online community Yes We Can Heal Vaginismus Together if you haven’t yet.
I talk more about these topics and in more detail.
Let’s meet there. Let’s grow together.
E-mail: petek@yeswecanhealtogether.com