Why Do I Have Vaginismus Even If I've Never Been Sexually Abused Before?

This was a question I used to ask myself very often while living with vaginismus. Why? Why do I have vaginismus?!
Whenever I felt particularly down, that question would aggressively blast itself around my mind shouting, “Why me?!”, “Why do I have this f*cking condition?!”
I was sick of it, and sick of wondering, “why me?”.
I’m sick of it!! Why it’s me? !!”
(You can read more about my vaginismus story from here)
There are many different causes for vaginismus. One thing for sure is, not all of us have gone through sexual abuse to get this condition.
So, in this blog, we are going to look at what might impact us as young women or girls, enough to trigger vaginismus.

But before we get to that, are you new here? Then you’ll have to check out these other helpful blogs that I’ve written to help you overcome your condition.

and of course, you should join our EXCLUSIVE Facebook Community “Yes We Can Cure Vaginismus Together” by clicking here!

Oh and, you can download here your FREE Vaginismus Cure Guide based on my personal experience and research!

Let’s begin, dear.
In my story:

I wasn’t sexually abused,
I wasn’t raised in a conservative family or neighborhood,
and I hadn’t been treated unfairly because of my gender.

But, I didn’t want to be a woman.
I wasn’t at peace with my womanhood!
I learned during my healing, that it was crucial for me to become more aware of the meaning that I had placed onto the word “woman”.
So let’s dive into the meanings behind a couple of words that might relate to our vaginismus. Then we can unpack how to transform these unhealthy meanings into helpful tools for our healing process.

#1 Being a WOMAN was difficult for me

Let me tell you what I thought about womanhood while I was diagnosed with vaginismus.
I thought women were:

dependant,
overwhelmingly emotional,
weak: emotionally and physically,
always a follower
not enough at all!

However, I was a huge advocate for women’s rights.
There seemed to be a battle waging within me. On one side, I was loud and proud about women’s rights. On the other, I was secretly against them.
So, where did I learn this negative view of women?
Of course, I wasn’t born with these thoughts. Nobody is. During my journey through life, I was impacted by tonnes of experiences that have gotten me to this point, one of them which I want to highlight, is that I was not comfortable with being#likeagirl.
I was a super-duper introverted girl when I was younger. At the age of 14 whenever we had lunch breaks at school, I would lock myself in the bathroom, hiding away from the other students.
I would do the same thing even at the seminars later on in life.
I had very low confidence.
And I believed those common sayings such as:

“don’t hit like a girl”,
“don’t run like a girl”,
“don’t laugh like a girl”,

didn’t help me either. Now, I’m not saying that these comments were the only reason why I had such low confidence, but they did contribute to it, that’s for sure.
I could still feel the impact of these words under my skin when I watched this video #LikeaGirl
It’s an epic video! And it would be lovely to hear how you felt after watching it, so please share your thoughts in our exclusive support group for Yes We Can Cure Vaginismus.
Another word that carried tonnes of meanings with it was: SEX

#2 To me, the definition of SEX was so different from what it is supposed to mean

I remember one pivotal moment in my life: I was 18 yo. We had a caregiver for my grandfather, who was helping us take care of him because he was sick.
She was in her mid-40s, such a lovely, warm-hearted, and very compassionate woman.
(Just a quick note here: I was not only an introverted girl but also very immature. So you can count me as like 13 when I say 18 😊)
She would talk to me about her sex life. I must admit, it was such a precious experience for me; it was like becoming her buddy. She shared such private stories, that I felt honored to be included in the conversations.
But to be honest, I was not well educated about sex. I see now how crucial it is, especially for girls to know more about sex.
What this means is, the stories I would listen to from the caregiver were sort of my first lessons in sex education. 😊
She used to say that sex was something that made her feel as though her body was being ripped apart each time.
Wow! So, that was sex! To this day, I can still remember every word of those conversations.
Immediately “sex” was defined as:

painful for women,
but even if it’s painful, you continue to do it!
Because you have to meet your partner’s needs.

I don’t blame her for what she told me. That was her unique experience.
And now, it is clear that she had vaginismus or some kind of similar condition which was making sex very painful for her.
Because my dear, sex is not supposed to be painful AT ALL!
If there is pain, then we need to work on it. That’s ALL!
And sex is not just about meeting our partner’s needs:

it’s for both sides.
about giving and taking
and it is one of the love languages of CONNECTION.

When we have sex, we get to know ourselves and our bodies more. We are able to ask:

am I in the present?
have I let go of my need for control?
can I surrender to the moment fully?
am I taking care of my needs too?
can I feel what gives me pleasure?

How do we transform the meaning of our words for the better?

That’s such a beautiful question!
First and foremost, we need to become aware of those meanings.
Here is the trick! Since we tend to blame ourselves for what’s happening in our minds.
In order to transform the thinking patterns which don’t serve us into ones that do, we need to cultivate the skill of being non-judgmental, my dear
So, try to recognize and acknowledge what the real meanings of those words are for you without blaming yourself for the way you have learned to understand them.
That’s why practicing mindfulness is tremendously helpful for us while living with vaginismus, not only to learn this skill but also to see things within us more clearly and honestly as they are.
My dear, we have huge potential within us to transform things that no longer serve us. Our vaginismus journey can be a vehicle for us to understand ourselves more so that we can grow more.
Maybe rather than asking why we have this condition (because obviously there might be many different reasons for it), asking how we can overcome it, will help us move further forward!
We need to put a deliberate effort into overcoming vaginismus.
So, let’s begin by asking yourself: what are those words for you, and what do they really mean to you?

“When we are angry, when we are excited, when we are depressed, when we are elated, we are completely submerged in and identified with those thoughts and feelings. This is why we suffer. We suffer because we are completely identified with our thoughts and feelings and we think this is me. This is who I am.” Tenzin Palmo