I remember my first exam.
That was a horrible experience, not the examination’s itself, well, it couldn’t happen to be a real examination but the reaction of the doctor is still fresh in my mind, like it happened yesterday.
I went to a clinic for routine check as a first time in my life when I was 19.
At the very moment that I saw the examination seat, my whole body started to contract so weirdly, I was literally experiencing muscle spasm throughout my body; my hands were rotating involuntarily and I was not capable to control any of them at all!
That was very shocking, very frustrating and embarrassing moment for me. Then of course, I started to cry.
And I remember how the doctor was staring at me at the moment: like seeing the weirdest thing in her life; zero empathy, zero compassion which is the ONLY THING that I needed at that particular moment.
Then she said to me, luckily, “let’s not continue,” which was totally cool for me so that I could able to start to get back normal.
But then she went like: “you may have some psychological problems”
What! What do you mean?
Of course I couldn’t ask to tell me more. I was so young to be mature in this kind of situation to get back to the moment and pose her related questions to go deeper. So rather I chose to be silent and I could just nod like I understood.
That was my very first, and for a long time the last examination attempt.
Then I turned 30 to finally take an action to solve this condition, thus I went to a vaginismus clinic.
To find a gynecologist understanding me at the moment, confirming that this could be painful and hard to bear was the best relief for me.
Not all the doctors empathetic of course or have knowledge of vaginismus, but when you’re struggling with this condition, to find “the one” is MUST.
Even after overcoming vaginismus physically, having a general gynecological exam was challenging to me.
I still was struggling with contraction when the doctor attempts to insert the prob in me.
Repeatedly I was experiencing those involuntary muscle spasms and also the pain, in a bit softer level maybe, but to hear from a doc during the exam that “It’s ok”, or “I can understand” or any further explanation to make me relax at the moment was VERY MUCH HELPFUL and immediately softening my muscles and reducing self shame talks in me.
I was not only experiencing those contractions in gynecological exams, but also at dentists and during drawing blood with needle.
Whenever a doctor attempted to insert anything into my body, my reactions were again THE SAME, CONTRACTION!
Then my self pity talks were taking control and my apologies were coming out like “I really don’t do that on purpose,” “That really happens automatically”, “I’m sorry that I’m crying like a kid”, “Ah I don’t know why still I have this issue, so sorry for that” and etc.
But whenever the doc was smiling at me warmly, whenever I was hearing that it’s ok, then I was getting calm down rapidly.
IT’S NOT A MISTAKE OR A FAILURE, IT’S JUST HOW IT IS AT THE MOMENT.
WE EXPERIENCE THOSE JUST BECAUSE OF THAT CONDITION.
SO THIS IS REAL AND THIS IS A FACT.